Abby's Choice
by ArtificialRed
Summary: Carter's confessed his feelings for Abby, and now she has a choice to make. Set right after the season finally.
1. Chapter One: Confusion

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. :( We all wish we did though! Maybe NBC will be nice and let us all have a go at it. Doubt it.  
  
*Set after the season finally, immediately after. I'm a Lubby, but I've found myself drifting. I don't know what I am anymore, so I don't know where this story will go.   
  
~  
Abby sat on the bench dumbfounded as she watched Carter walk away. He didn't want to be her friend? Why?  
  
"Don't ask stupid questions Abby. You know damn well why," her mind told her.  
  
Carter liked her, and maybe deep down inside she had known all along, she just never wanted to admit it. She liked the way things were and didn't want things to change. Why did Carter have to go and mess up her nice little world?  
  
She took a deep breath and then looked straight ahead. Carter had already walked out of view, never once looking back.  
  
"I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka."  
  
The words were echoing through her head and she was beginning to get sick to her stomach. She always got sick to her stomach at times like these, when she was forced to deal with issues she was hoping would just go away. Why did he have to be so gutsy? Why couldn't he have stayed quiet?  
  
Abby wasn't thinking straight, so she decided to walk to clear her mind. She stood up from the bench and began to walk in the opposite direction Carter had walked away in. The wind suddenly picked up, but she didn't mind. Abby always did like a cold breeze on her face.  
  
"What do I do now, Carter?" she said to herself. Obviously they couldn't be friends anymore. He didn't want to and besides; it would be far too awkward. She didn't even know how they were going to work together after this. She'd just have to stick by Luka so she wouldn't be forced to talk to him about it.  
  
Maybe he doesn't even want to see her again. Maybe he was trying to tell her that he couldn't stand to have her in his life anymore. He is looking for work at other hospitals. He's probably trying to move on and told her to stay away from him so it would be easier on him.  
  
"He's better off without me," she thought to herself. If anyone knew how dark she was inside people would be trying their hardest to stay away from her.  
  
Luka was different. Luka was a kindred spirit. He and Abby could understand each other's sadness, even though it wasn't the same. They knew what it was like to hate the world, to wish you could just disappear. They understood each other in a way that few other people could.  
  
But lately, for Abby, he had been too much. Their relationship started on a bad note, and it had sent Luka in a downward spiral. He needed her, and Abby's always been a nurturer. Even though she wasn't the one to ease his mind, at least she was there to carry him through. She assumed he'd been trying to return the favor, but Abby's never been taken care of before, and she didn't know how to feel about it. Abby was a fiercely independent woman. She was always the caretaker and never asked for or wanted help for herself. It was abnormal, and she didn't like it. She didn't want him to make calls to get her application in. She didn't want him looking over her shoulder and doing things for her. And she especially didn't want his money. Did he think she was incapable of making it in the world on her own? She had been on her own since she was seven years old. She knew what the world was like and didn't need anyone to lead her around by the hand.  
  
"Oh, he was just trying to help," she told herself, though she still resented it.  
  
And then there was Carter. He was the first person she ever found who would just listen to her. She didn't want him to help her, and he seemed to understand that. They would lean on each other and that would be it. He could also understand her. He knew what it was like to grow up without parents; he knew what it was like to be addicted. Luka could never understand those things. You can only understand things like that if you've been through them yourself. Carter was fun too, and easy to talk to...  
  
But what was she thinking? He didn't want her in his life anymore. Luka was all she had left in the world, and she cared about him, so she should just forget about what Carter said.  
  
Fortunately for Abby, her shift was over. She decided some ice cream and some quiet time would be in order.  
  
~  
"I missed you last night," Luka Kovac told Abby as she was putting her things in her locker at work. "Are you feeling better today?"  
  
"I am, thanks," she replied. "And thanks for letting me be alone last night. I really appreciated it."  
  
"It was no problem," he said. "It let me catch up with my television watching." He smiled at his comment and then bent down and kissed the petite brunette. It wasn't a long kiss, but Carter happened to walk in the door just as it began. He paused for a split second before walking over to the coffee machine to refill his cup. Abby and Luka withdrew from each other.  
  
"I, uh, better get to work," Abby said as she fumbled to close her locker. As soon as she heard the door clang shut, she rushed out of the room throwing a stethoscope around her neck. Luka remained by her locker, slightly perplexed, but then he shrugged his shoulders and left the lounge as well. Carter heaved a sigh then, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. He squeezed his eyes shut before moving on. He couldn't wait to get out of that hospital, but until he heard back about his applications, he would have to try and avoid the two of them.  
  
Carter stirred the cream in his coffee as he pushed the lounge door open with his shoulder. He barely had time to sip it before a trauma came rushing through the door. Drs. Weaver and Kovac were already running along beside it, so he decided he wasn't needed just then. He walked to the admit desk and checked out the board. Nothing much going on, just a few lacerations and one broken bone, and they had all been signed off on, except for one case of a deep cut. He decided to go check it out.  
  
As he pushed the door to the room open his heart jumped slightly when he saw Abby already there stitching the man.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said when he saw that she had already noticed him. "I didn't know this case had been signed out."  
  
"Weaver told me to take it just before that trauma came in," she explained. "I'm almost done though, so if you want to stay you can sign off on him for me."  
  
"Well it's about god-damned time. I don't know how much more of this I can take," said the patient.  
  
"No, that's alright. I'm sure there's something else I can do in the meantime," Carter said, waving his hand that had the chart in it.  
  
"No really, you don't have to go," she said, trying to gesture towards the man with her eyes and head at the same time. She was trying to be discrete, and thankfully Carter picked up on it. She didn't want to be left alone with the patient.  
  
"Okay," he said as he took a seat on the bed beside them. "Did you flush out the wound?"  
  
"Uh-huh," she said, nodding at the same time but not taking her eyes off the sutures.  
  
"Yeah," chimed in the patient, "but god only knows what she used. Incompetent bitch. It hurt like hell!"  
  
"I assure you, sir," said Carter, "that all the employees here are the best around and no one is incompetent. It's just a deep wound, that's all."  
  
"Alright, Mr. Sercy, you're all done," Abby said as she cut the last bit of thread off. "Dr. Carter here will sign your chart and then you'll be good to go."  
  
"It's about god-damned time," he replied.  
  
"Yes, I know. You told me so already and I'm sorry for the inconvenience."  
  
"Hey!" he said as he stood up. They didn't know if they should take it as a hostile gesture or if he was just standing to leave. "Don't get smart with me. You don't know the day I've had."  
  
"No one was getting smart with you, Mr. Sercy," Carter explained, also standing up. "She was only apologizing. But you're ready to go home now."  
  
"I'm gonna get your ass fired, you incompetent bitch. You don't hurt me and then get smart with me. Just you wait and see," he said harshly, pointing his finger at Abby.  
  
"Look, sir," she said. "I'm sorry and I didn't mean any disrespect."  
  
Mr. Sercy mumbled something under his breath before storming out of the room.  
  
"Thank you so much for staying," Abby said, breathing a sigh of relief. "He'd been acting like that ever since I started suturing, but he wouldn't let me leave to get someone else. I was getting a little scared."  
  
"No problem," was all he said before leaving the room.  
  
Abby put her head down. She was having a hard time getting used to the fact that Carter wasn't her friend anymore. She already missed him.  
  
~  
Two weeks had gone by and Carter and Abby had been pretty successful at avoiding each other. They worked alternate shifts, and when that didn't work out, they just stayed on opposite sides of the ER. Abby figured that the nurses must have noticed something, because they all seemed to hush up when either she or him walked by. And even though they were avoiding each other, they put on a very professional air. That still didn't stop Dr. Weaver from noticing.  
  
"Abby, Carter," she said approaching the admit desk where they both happened to be standing. "I need to talk to you two. In the lounge, now."  
  
They glanced at each other curiously, but then followed her without question. Weaver held the door open for them as they filed into the lounge.  
  
"Have a seat," she said, gesturing to the round table in the middle of the room. "Now, almost everyone around here has noticed the way you two have been acting. You're avoiding each other. It's very unprofessional and it's creating gossip among the nurses, and gossip equals distraction. So, whatever the reason you two are angry or uncomfortable with each other, it needs to stop. It's slow here right now, so I want you both to stay in here and work through whatever problems you have with each other. I'll let you know if a trauma comes in."  
  
"But Dr. Weaver," Carter began to argue as she was stepping out the door.  
  
"No 'buts'. This immature behavior needs to stop. Now don't come out of here until you've worked things out." She pulled the door shut tight as she left, leaving Abby and Carter sitting in an awkward silence.  
  
"I thought we had been doing pretty good," Abby said with a nervous laugh. She was getting sick to her stomach again.  
  
Carter laughed almost inaudibly.  
  
"Look, we both know why we've been avoiding each other, so what's the big deal?" Abby finally said.  
  
"Yeah. I guess we don't have to do it so much if it's going to tick off Weaver," suggested Carter.  
  
"I miss you, Carter," Abby then blurted out. She was shocked at her own candor.  
  
"I miss you too," he replied.  
  
"So why does it have to be like this?"  
  
"Because it tears me up inside to see you and know I can't have you." Carter got out of his chair and started pacing. "I just thought it would be easier for me to move on if I didn't see you so much, but it's almost made it worse," he explained.  
  
"Do you think it's not driving me crazy either?" Abby argued, also getting out of her chair. "I'm so confused right now. I don't know what I want anymore."   
  
"Yes you do," Carter stated, letting his annoyance come through in his voice. "You want things to be back the way they were. You want me to be the friend you run to with all your problems so you won't have to open up to Luka. That might work for you, but it doesn't for me, Abby."  
  
"Your acting like you've never unloaded problems on me. It was a two way street, Carter. I never asked for your help, you were just always there. But you have to understand, I didn't know. I thought you were just a good friend," Abby said in return. They were both now getting pretty upset with each other.  
  
"Dammit, Abby! I don't want to be your friend. It might have started out like that, but it's not that way anymore. I want to be the one you wake up to every morning, and if it can't be that way, then it can't be any way. It hurts too much otherwise."  
  
Abby's eyes began to water. This just reconfirmed what had upset her two weeks ago when she had first found out: They could never be friends again.  
  
"Oh, don't cry Abby," Carter said regretting having snapped at her. He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry into his chest, although Abby opted not to cry very hard. "I'm sorry I got angry with you. You just don't understand how bad it feels."  
  
Abby pulled away from him and looked up into his face. He did look hurt, she decided, and it made her fell terrible that it was her fault.  
  
"Don't cry," Carter repeated, softer this time. He took her face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away some of her tears. Then he stayed still, looking down at her and not letting her face go.  
  
Abby was getting nauseous again.  
  
"Oh shit," she thought to herself. "He's going to kiss me, isn't he? Oh God, why won't he kiss me?" Her eyes widened. She was shocked at what she had just thought.  
  
And then it happened. Carter let go of his inhibitions, leaned down and kissed her, a sweet but short kiss.  
  
He let go of her face and took a step back.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said just before he left her alone in the room.  
  
Abby stumbled backwards onto the couch. Carter kissed her, and now she was a little scared. She liked it.  
  
She buried her face in her hands, mumbling to herself.  
  
"What am I going to do?"  



	2. Chapter Two

*Thanks for the response everyone! Talk about an inspiration to write more.   
  
~  
Sometimes everything becomes too much for one person to handle, like your brain wasn't meant to process so much information and emotion. Sometimes you just need an objective listener so you can talk through the confusion. Sometimes you just need a little help.  
  
"Excuse me, but when does Dr. Legaspi's shift start?"  
  
"I'm sorry miss, but Dr. Legaspi is no longer with the hospital. Nobody told you?"  
  
"No, they didn't," Abby replied to the receptionist in the psych ward. "Well, could you tell me who's on right now?"  
  
"Dr. Walker is in his office right now and I believe he's free," she explained. "Would you like me to page him?"  
  
Abby hesitated.  
  
"Um, no. It's alright," she said. She turned and began to walk away, but then stopped and turned around. "Well, yeah. Could you?"   
  
She scratched her head, uncomfortable with the decision before her.  
  
"Never mind," she then decided and then started walking away. She stopped in her tracks again, but before she could say anything she heard the receptionist pick up the phone.  
  
"Dr. Walker?" Abby heard her ask. "Are you free right now?"  
  
Abby walked over and put her elbows on the desk.  
  
"Yes," the lady continued. "There's a..." She paused to get her name.  
  
"Abby Lockheart. I'm a nurse in the ER."  
  
"A Nurse Lockheart here to see you. All right. Thank you." She hung up her phone. "He has time to see you now, if you like."  
  
Abby nodded in acknowledgement and then slowly made her way to his door. She hesitated again.  
  
"No," she said out loud to no one in particular. "This is wrong."  
  
She shook her head as she walked away.  
  
~  
It had been a week since John Carter kissed her. It had also been a week since they last spoke. They weren't avoiding each other anymore, but rather they exchanged awkward glances. Neither of them could think of anything to say. Neither of them could forget about that kiss either, and until they could, there wouldn't be anything to say.  
  
"Abby," said Luka as he approached her. "I just got off for lunch. Do you want to get a bite to eat with me?"  
  
"No thanks," she replied. "I'm not very hungry."  
  
"You know, you haven't been eating much lately. You're going to wither away into nothing."  
  
Abby forced a smile.  
  
"Are you alright?" Luka asked. "I'm beginning to worry about you."  
  
"Luka I've told you, I'm alright. If I needed help I'd ask for it." Abby didn't mean for her frustration to shine through so brightly, it's just that "are you alright" was all Luka seemed to ask anymore. Didn't he get it? There wasn't anything she needed to talk about, at least not with him.  
  
"Okay," he said, slightly hurt. "If you need me, I'll be at Doc Magoo's."   
  
He walked away slowly, and immediately Abby regretted having been harsh with him. Ever since Carter kissed her, though, she was uncomfortable around him. It was as though the fact that she liked the kiss meant she betrayed him.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered just before starting down the hall again.  
  
"Hey Abby?" called a voice from the room she was passing. It was Jing-Me Chen.  
  
"Yeah Dr. Chen?" she replied.  
  
"Could you go get me some gauze? There's none in this room and I'm having too hard a time setting this fracture to leave to get it myself."  
  
"Sure."  
  
Abby walked on again, this time with a new destination. She opened the door to the supply closet and was startled when she turned on the light. Carter had been standing there in the dark.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't know you were in here."  
  
"Yeah, I have a bad headache," he explained. "I took some aspirin, but I thought the dark and the quiet would help it go away faster."  
  
"I just need to get some gauze," she said as she inched past him to reach it. She felt his hands take a hold of her hips as she did so, and a chill swam up her spine. They locked eyes for a moment, but then Abby's arm came between them. She had gotten the gauze, so there was no more reason for her to be so close to him.  
  
"I just needed some gauze," she repeated.  
  
"I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you, I just don't know what to say," he whispered.  
  
"It's alright," she said. "I understand. You don't have to explain."  
  
"I can't stop thinking about that kiss," he said.  
  
"I've been thinking about it a lot too," she confessed just as one of the florescent bulbs about their head began to flicker.  
  
Carter wanted to get closer, but Abby was holding the gauze to her chest, her arms preventing him from doing so.  
  
"I really liked kissing you," Carter said.  
  
"So did I, but-"  
  
"But what? If you liked it, what else is there to think about?" He did lean closer then, despite the obstacle of her arms.  
  
Abby struggled to find her answer, but she couldn't seem to find the words.  
  
When she didn't answer, Carter took that as a sign to lean in some more. Just as his lips were about to touch hers again, she finally found what she was wanting to say.  
  
"I can't do this to him."  
  
Carter stopped, taking in what she had just said. He leaned back to his original position.  
  
"I can't break that man's heart," Abby explained further.  
  
"You don't have to explain," he said, letting go of her hips.  
  
Abby stood in front of him for a moment, mad at herself for hurting him. She let out a sigh and then headed for the supply room door.  
  
"Do you want me to turn the lights back off?" she asked him.  
  
He nodded, and mouthed the word "yeah."   
  
~  
Abby opened her locker and sighed. It had been a long day, and she was looking forward to going home and taking a long hot bath. Just as she was putting on her jacket, Dr. Weaver entered the room.  
  
"Abby?" she asked. "I know your shift just ended, but a couple of the nurses just called in sick and I was wondering if you would be willing to work an extra shift tonight."  
  
"Sure," she said. "Why not?"  
  
"Thanks a lot," she said. "I really appreciate it."  
  
Weaver left and Abby took her jacket off again. She really didn't want to work, but she didn't mind it either. At least she'd get paid for being there. She poured herself a cp of coffee and then downed it before leaving the lounge. Luka was waiting for her by the front desk.  
  
"Where's your jacket?" he asked.  
  
"A couple nurses called in sick and Weaver asked me to stay on an extra shift tonight," she explained to him.  
  
"Oh," he said with disappointment in his voice.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said. "I was kind of looking forward to a quiet night at home."  
  
"It's okay," he replied as he forced himself to cheer up. "Do you want me to go get you some dinner?"  
  
"Yeah," she smiled. "That would be great."  
  
"Good. What do you want?"  
  
"Surprise me, just not with Thai."  
  
Luka laughed.  
  
"All right. I'll be back in a little while." He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek and then squeezed her hand before leaving.  
  
Abby smiled, and as she turned around to face the front desk, she saw Carter out of the corner of her eye and her smile dropped. He looked angry and hurt.  
  
She started to feel very depressed. She cared about both these men, and whatever she decided, she was going to hurt one of them. It tore her up inside to think that she could do that to either one of them, but she had to do something. She couldn't string them both along.  
  
"Work," she decided. "I'll bury myself in work."  
  
~  
"There you are," Luka said when he entered the lounge. He was carrying a big brown bag.  
  
"I'm sorry," Abby replied. "I didn't know you were here. I didn't mean to hide."  
  
"It's alright. How does Italian sound?" he asked as he started unloading the contents of the bag onto the round table.  
  
"It sounds great," Abby said just before her stomach let out a growl. "I'm starving."  
  
Luka held up two round containers.   
  
"Alfredo or marinara?" he asked.  
  
"Marinara," she said with a smile.  
  
"Good," he said, and handed her the proper container. "I wanted the alfredo for myself. I got some bread too."  
  
"Thank you so much," she said as she took a bite of her pasta. "I owe you one."  
  
Luka smiled as he watched her eat. Even when she was eating, she looked beautiful to him.  
  
"Don't worry about it," he told her. "I'm glad to see you're happy again."  
  
Abby gave him a curious look. She hadn't even realized she'd been smiling.  
  
"Uh, thanks," she said, wiping her mouth.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I think I'm falling in love with you."  
  
Abby froze and her smile dropped, but, realizing she had food in her mouth, swallowed it down.  
  
"You're what?" she said shocked.  
  
"I think I'm falling in love with you," he repeated with a smile.  
  
"Don't," she said firmly.  
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Don't fall in love with me."  
  
"What are you talking about Abby? You know I can't help myself."  
  
"Well stop it. Don't love me," she said, growing more and more upset by the minute.  
  
"I don't understand," Luka told her, growing more and more confused by the second.  
  
"I won't be anything but a disappointment to you."  
  
"I think that's for me to decide."  
  
"I sorry, but please, don't fall in love with me," Abby pleaded. "I don't want to see you get hurt."  
  
"Abby, is there something you need to tell me?"  
  
"No, there's not. I just know myself better than you do. I know I'll disappoint you. You can do better than me, Luka. I'm not worth loving."  
  
Abby abruptly got out of her chair and left the room, leaving Luka to sit there with his thoughts.  
  
Sometimes Abby was very confusing to him. Every time he thought he was doing the right thing, it ended up being the opposite of what she wanted. He didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't know what she needed from him, and it was getting harder and harder for him to try and understand her. Every time he tried, it seemed, he was wrong.  
  
Luka felt a lump rise in his throat. He was falling in love with Abby, and he wanted more than anything for her to open up to him. He wanted to show her what a great person she was, but he was running out of ideas.  
  
He swallowed down the lump before he began to clean up their dinner. He left the hospital then, and took a long walk.  



	3. Chapter Three

*Sorry it took so long. Thanks for your patience!  
  
~  
"Abby?" Luka said to her softly. "We need to talk."  
  
"Sure," she replied, either not sensing the tone in his voice, or not caring about it. "But I really don't have time right now."  
  
"That's alright. When do you get off work?"  
  
"Another three hours."  
  
"I don't get off for another four."  
  
"Do you want me to wait for you?"  
  
"Yeah, if you would. If I find time I'll come talk to you before then."  
  
He looked into her eyes and squeezed her hand before walking off.   
  
Abby had lied to him. She did have time, she just didn't want to talk to him. Ever since she had told him not to fall in love with her, he had been relentless with his questions. 'Why can't I love you?' 'Why do you think you'll disappoint me?' 'Why won't you open up to me?'  
  
Abby was sick of questions.  
  
~  
"Hey Carter," said Randi as he passed by. She held up a piece of paper, but she never took her eyes off the magazine she was reading. "Dr. Hopkins from New York said he's interested in a face to face interview."  
  
"Thank you Randi," Carter said as he snatched the paper from her hands. It had her message on it, along with Dr. Hopkins' phone number.  
  
"Great," Carter thought to himself. "A face to face interview means he's interested in me." He decided to call him right away to set up an appointment. The sooner he got out of County, the better.  
  
~  
Abby flicked her cigarette butt off the roof of the hospital. A pregant woman had come in earlier after being injured in a car accident. The baby died, and the woman became hysterical at the news. Abby was there when Dr. Greene told her. For some reason, it really hit Abby hard. It always broke her heart when a child died, but this case in particular had tugged at her insides.  
  
"I figured I'd find you up here," said a thickly accented voice.  
  
"Why'd you figure that?" she asked him.  
  
"Because I looked everywhere else and didn't find you," Luka replied. "Have you had a bad day?"  
  
"Just a bad case. A woman lost her baby in a car wreck."  
  
"I'm sorry," he said. "It's always the worst when children die."  
  
Abby looked up in his eyes and saw a world of hurt. She knew his mind was wandering back to Croatia, to Marco and Jasna. She decided to change the subject for him.  
  
"It's a nice day out, isn't it? A little cold, but nice," she commented.  
  
"Yeah it is," he replied after his mind came back to Chicago. "I wish we would get some hot weather for a change."  
  
"That's not possible with the wind here."  
  
"Abby," Luka began, "I think we need to spend some time apart."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I think it would be best if we took a break from each other. I think you need time to think about what you really want in life."  
  
"I don't understand Luka."  
  
"Look, I want you to be happy, and right now you don't seem to be very happy in this relationship. All we seem to do anymore is fight. I can't sense what you want from me and I'm running out of ideas. You won't even talk to me."  
  
Abby looked down at her feet. She knew he was right, she just never thought he'd be the one to say it.  
  
"I think it would be best for the both of us if we just gave it a rest for a while. Once you decide what you want out of life, once you decide what will make you happy, then we'll go from there."  
  
Luka lifted up her face with his fingers before bending down to kiss her on her lips.  
  
"I'm so sorry," she whimpered.  
  
"It's alright," he replied sweetly.  
  
He kissed her once more on the forehead before leaving her alone on the roof.  
  
~  
Abby called in sick the next two days. She actually didn't feel too good, but her main reason was because she couldn't bring herself to face Luka. She felt terrible for putting him through what she had, but there's was nothing she could do about it now but hope that he moved on. Deep down in her heart she knew they wouldn't get back together. Luka needed to be with someone who would make him happy, and she wasn't the one to do it.  
  
It was still hard for Abby though. She really had wanted to make him happy, and she had tried really hard. But her own problems had become overwhelming and she wasn't able to do the job she had wanted. She decided she was selfish, and that's what had ruined everything.  
  
When Abby returned to work, everyone asked her if she was feeling better, and she smiled and said she was. Luka was there, but he didn't treat her any different as far as their jobs went.  
  
"Hey where's Carter?" Mallucci asked Dr. Chen as they were gathered around the front desk.  
  
"He went to New York for a job interview," Chen replied.  
  
"New York?" Abby asked, having heard the whole thing.  
  
"Mm-hm," Chen replied with a nod before walking off to tend to a patient.  
  
"That's it," Abby thought to herself. "Cater's gone. First my boyfriend and now my best friend's moving away." Then she reminded herself that Carter had ended the friendship several weeks ago.  
  
Even though they were no longer friends, the thought of Carter moving away really bothered her. She didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay close to her.  
  
Abby sighed. She was alone again.  
  
~  
"Well, Dr. Carter, this is a very nice resume," commented Dr. Bruce Hopkins as he once again looked over the paper in front of him. "However there's seems to be an extra year in here."  
  
"Yes," Carter replied. "I was a surgical intern before I decided I wanted to do emergency medicine. So I had to do that year over again when I switched."  
  
"I see. Well, all that's left is to talk to one of your supervisors, but otherwise. everything looks great. You'd make a fine addition to our hospital, Dr. Carter. Now, may I have the name of who I should talk to back at Cook County?"  
  
Carter thought for a moment.   
  
"If he talks to Weaver, she's bound to tell him about the drug problem and then I'll be screwed out of a job."  
  
"Dr. Mark Greene," Carter finally said. He figured Dr. Greene would speak good of him, and maybe even forget to mention the drugs. He watched as Dr. Hopkins wrote down the name.  
  
"All right," he said as he stood up and extended his hand. Carter stood as well and accepted the hand shake. "Everything seems to be in order and you'll be hearing from us very soon. Thanks for taking the trouble to come up here and meet us."  
  
"No trouble at all," Carter replied.  
  
Dr. Carter left the New York hospital with a smile.  
  
"Finally," he thought. "I can get out of County and start over. No more people stereotyping because of the drugs, and no more Abby." 


	4. Chapter Four

*Author's note; I hate writer's block!  
  
~  
It was raining outside, so instead of the roof Abby went to stand under an awning in the ambulence bay. She would have stood in the rain if it wouldn't have evoked stares from everyone else in the ER. Abby loved the rain, especially the way it smelled. She always thought it was very cleansing.  
  
"There you are."  
  
Abby looked over to see Luka smiling down on her. She smiled back, glad to see he was happy. But the smile soon faded. She was too preoccupied to be happy.  
  
"How have you been?" he asked her.  
  
"I'm alright. And you?" she asked in reply.  
  
"I've been pretty good. I've been looking for a house."  
  
"What happened to the warehouse in the meat district?"  
  
"I took your advice about the smell and I passed. Besides, a house will be a better investment."  
  
"Luka," Abby said, "I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you. I don't know what went wrong. I've never had anyone take care of me before."  
  
"I was just trying to return the favor. And you weren't a disappointment to me. I'm disappointed it didn't work out, but I never thought down on you. You helped me get out of a very dark place."  
  
"I don't know. I mean, I thought my problems were so stupid compared to what you went through. I just couldn't put that on you. Maybe it's better this way."  
  
"It probably is, and you still mean a lot to me Abby. I still want to be your friend," he said.  
  
"I'd like that," she said with a smile that quickly faded.  
  
"So what's bothering you now?" Luka asked.  
  
"He's leaving."  
  
"Who? Carter?"  
  
Abby took a deep breath and nodded.  
  
"He got a call today that they want to hire him up in New York. I'm never going to see him again."  
  
Luka's heart sank. He had always had a sneaking suspicion that Carter was the reason Abby never opened up to him. Now his suspicions were confirmed. She cared for Carter, probably as more than a friend, even if she'd never admit it.  
  
But he and Abby weren't together anymore. More than anything he wanted to see her happy, and if he couldn't do it, who was he to hold her back from something that might?  
  
"So why don't you tell him you don't want him to leave?" Luka asked.  
  
"What right do I have to tell him that?" she questioned.  
  
"You're his friend. Probably his best friend. If you don't tell him how you feel, how is he ever going to know?"  
  
Abby stood silently, not knowing what to say.  
  
"I've always been jealous over the fact that you talked to Carter and not me," Luka continued. "But now I realize that's exactly what you need. You need someone you feel you can talk to. Don't start holding back from him now, Abby. You'll regret it if you do."  
  
Abby continued to be silent, staring straight ahead and pondering what Luka had just told her. Luka gently touched her shoulder before leaving her with her thoughts.  
  
Abby couldn't believe what he'd just said. What had been holding her back the most was his feelings. She couldn't bring herself to do anything that might hurt him further. But here he was telling her to go with her feelings. He was right too. How was Carter supposed to know how she felt if she never spoke up? Abby knew deep down that Luka was right. She would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn't at least try.  
  
~  
"So you're really leaving?" Malucci asked Carter as he approached the front desk.  
  
"Yup. Friday's my last day at County," Carter explained as he picked out a chart.  
  
"So why are you going?"  
  
"I guess I just need a change of scenery, Dave."  
  
"So it has nothing to do with a certain brunette nurse?"  
  
"No it doesn't. I'd just rather work at a place where my colleages didn't ask so many damn questions," Carter snidely replied as he grabbed a chart and walked away.   
  
How dare Malucci ask him that. It was no one's business why he was leaving. No one needed to know why, not even the "certain brunette nurse." Carter wouldn't let anyone know the real reason. No one would care anyway.  
  
"You did know that her and Luka broke up?" Malucci called down the hall as he was walking away.  
  
Carter stopped in his tracks and then turned around.  
  
"No. I didn't know that."  
  
"Yeah, about two weeks ago."  
  
Carter nodded slowly and then went on his way again.  
  
Abby and Luka broke up and she never told him. In his mind, that sealed the deal. If she did have feelings for him, then she should have came to him right away. But she didn't, and that said a lot to John Carter.  
  
~  
"Abby, you're soaking wet," commented Dr. Weaver as Abby passed by her.  
  
"Yeah. I went to Doc Magoo's for a sandwich," she explained, holding up the wrapped sandwhich she had in her hand. Abby really wasn't that hungry. The sandwhich was just an excuse to walk in the rain. She went to the storage closet and got a flimsy towel to dry her hair and some dry scrubs to change into. She then headed to the bathroom to change and dry off before heading to the lounge to eat.  
  
Just as she took her first bite, Malucci burst through the door to inform her that a multiple trauma had come in and she was needed. She shrugged her shoulder's and put the sandwhich down on the table. She had been in a better mood ever since her walk in the rain.  
  
Abby pushed open the doors to the first trauma room she came across. Low and behold, Carter was the doctor in charge of the trauma she'd just chose. Her heart jumped slightly, but she didn't miss a beat. Instead, she dove right in and proved to be a great help, predicting Carter's moves almost before he made them. Carter did a beautiful job himself, having the injured young man stable and on his way to surgery in approxiamately ten minutes.  
  
"Good job Carter," said Dr. Weaver after she walked in the room to get the injured's status. "We're definitly going to miss you when you're gone."  
  
"Thank you, Dr. Weaver," he said, truely apreciating those words since they came from the mouth of Kerry Weaver.  
  
Turning to Abby he said, "That was great Abby. It's like you were reading my mind."  
  
"Thanks," she replied, trying to decide what she was going to say next. "John, do you have a minute? I'd really like to talk with you."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so," he replied, nervous about the topic she wanted to discuss. He had been waiting, well, more like hoping for her to ask him to stay. All she had to say was "don't go", and he'd change his whole world for her.  
  
"Abby," said Lilly as she stuck her head through the door. "You have an urget phone call."  
  
"Can it wait?" she replied.  
  
"It's your brother. He sounds pretty anxious."  
  
"Eric?" Abby thought to herself. "He never calls me."  
  
"Okay," she said. "I'll be right there." She then told Carter, "Give me one minute." She then left the trauma room, leaving him with his thoughts.  
  
"If she really wanted me to stay she would've said something by now. Stop getting your hopes up, John. You'll just get hurt." He snapped his gloves off and slammed them into the medical waste container.  
  
~  
"Abby Loackhart," she said when she picked up the phone. "Eric? Slow down. What happened? Wow, I didn't even know you had a girlfriend. Fiance? Congradulations. What'd you name him? That's great. I'm happy for you, Eric. Yeah. Thanks for calling me. Uh-huh. I really appreciate it. Okay, bye."  
  
"What was that about?" asked Lilly, who happened to be standing by and was anxious to have a new piece of gossip to share.  
  
"My brother just had a baby boy. They named him Samuel."  
  
"Hey, congradualtions. I guess that makes you a new aunt, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."   
  
Lilly smiled and patted Abby on the back before leaving her. Abby, however, wasn't smiling. Sure, she was happy that she was an aunt, but that phone call made it clear how little she and her brother talked. She didn't know he was engaged, or that his fiance was pregnant. All she really knew about him anymore was where he lived and what he did for a living. It was a sad realization. Abby had very little family in the world, and it hurt her a little to know that they weren't acting like a family at all. Once again she had let something good slip through her fingers. All she had to have done was pick up the phone every once in a while.  
  
"Hey Abby, you okay?" asked Dave Malucci, pulling her out of her trance.  
  
"What? Yeah. My brother just had a baby."  
  
"Congradulations."  
  
"Have you seen Carter?"   
  
"Yeah, his shift ended, so he went home."  
  
"Dammit," she mumbled as she took off out the ER doors, hoping to catch him. But she was too late. He was long gone.  
  
She asked Weaver if she could take the rest of her shift off, but she refused, and Abby just about cried at the news.  
  
"Calm down Abby," she told herself. "You have til Friday. As long as you tell him before Friday, he won't leave you. He can't leave you." 


	5. Chapter Five: Conclusion

Abby waiting anxiously for her shift to end. The ER was the last place she wanted to be. She needed to go somewhere she could think. She stared at the clock until the hands reached six o'clock.  
  
A wave of relief washed over her as she punched out. Now she didn't have to worry about anybody's broken leg or swollen chin, just herself and what she was going to tell Carter. How do you tell your friend you don't want him to leave? How do you tell your friend you've finally realized he means more to you than anything else in the world?  
  
It was still raining outside, but now it was only a drizzle, perfect thinking conditions for Abby Lockhart. She went to the spot by the river that she and Carter had claimed as their own. She sat on a cold bench and watched as the raindrops made ripples in the water, sending her into a relaxed trace.  
  
She didn't think she was in love with Carter, but she did know she could fall in love very fast if she let herself. The problem was letting go of the fear of being hurt. If she just wasn't so damn afraid she wouldn't have a problem finding the words to tell Carter.  
  
"Clear your mind Abby," she told herself. "It'll come to you."  
  
Abby sat there for at least another hour. She noticed the people staring at her, thinking she was insane for sitting in the rain without a raincoat or any sort of protection. She had always thought that at least a part of her was insane. It had to be. How else could she have coped with everything she grew up with? And if not that, then at least some of it had to have rubbed off from her mother.  
  
The sky became darker and the rain became heavier. All the while Abby never moved from that bench. She was determined not to go home until the answers came to her.  
  
"He won't hurt you. He's been there through everything, he's seen the darkest sides of you. He won't leave, so just tell him."  
  
This became her mantra as she repeated it over and over in her mind.  
  
"He won't hurt you. He won't hurt you."  
  
"You're going to catch pneumonia," said a voice.  
  
"I don't care," she replied. She looked up then to see John Carter standing above her with and umbrella. He looked miserable.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked him, immediately kicking herself mentally for not leaping into his arms right then and there.  
  
"Just visiting one of my favorite spots," he explained, sitting down next to her in order to shelter her with the unbrella too. "What are you doing here? More importantly, how long have you been sitting in the rain?"  
  
"And hour and a half, maybe two. I don't really know. The rain helps me think, that's all."  
  
"I worry about you Abby. I don't know if I'll be able to go to New York unless I know you'll be alright."  
  
"This is it Abby," her mind yelled at her. "Tell him not to go! Beg him not to go!"  
  
"I'll be fine John." Once again, Abby's fear was stronger than her heart.  
  
Carter's heart sank. She didn't want him.  
  
"Well then. I guess this is goodbye," he said, trying to sound as strong as possible.  
  
"Goodbye?"  
  
"Yeah. I've decided to leave tommorrow. There's no point in staying really."  
  
Abby still didn't reply. He had now given her two opportunities to ask him to stay, and she didn't take either of them.  
  
"I'll send you a postcard," he said as he stood up.  
  
Abby just stared as he walked away, petrified at the fact that this could be the last time she ever saw him. Her heart began to pound and she started to cry, though no one would be able to tell for the rain running down her face. He was getting farther away by the second, and she knew this was her last chance to do something about it.  
  
"He won't hurt you. He won't hurt you."  
  
She took a deep breathe.  
  
"John!" She then shouted through the now heavy rain. He immeadiatly turned around to look at her and Abby jogged over to where he was.  
  
She was now three feet in front of him, staring into his sad but curious eyes. She thought her heart was going to jump out of her chest as she started to panic again. She bit her tongue in order not to catch herself saying 'nevermind'. She was determined to do this, and yet it was the most frightening thing she ever had to do.  
  
"I've been an idiot," she finally said. "The best thing in my life was always with me, but I treated you so bad. I took advantage of you and I'll never be able to forgive myself for it. If you leave John, I'll loose my mind, I'll fucking loose it I just know it. I can't live without you John. Don't leave me, please don't leave me."  
  
It could now be obvious to any one that Abby was crying. Her eyes were red and her body was slightly shaking.  
  
Carter dropped his umbrella and took Abby in his arms. He was on the verge of tears himself.  
  
"All you had to do was ask," he said. "I promise I won't leave you Abby. I swear to God I won't leave you."  
  
He took her face in his hands and kissed her, showing her his promise was real.  
  
Abby felt a great weight lift off her heart. She wasn't afraid anymore.  



End file.
